During recovery I have learned so much about myself, my eating disorder, and recovery etc. But one thing that seems to be the most important during my recovery is motivation! Without it I don’t think I would be able to recover from my ED.
These past few weeks as summer has finally begun something hit me and it hit me hard! I used to be the queen of fashion, I loved to shop and dress up as I have soo many clothes. But I must admit my ED has totally robbed me off that. During my ED I have hardly care what I look like and I hate that. During the winter I would just throw on sweats to cover my body and it wasn’t a big deal. But now as the summer is here with the hot temperatures I can’t cover my body in sweatshirts and sweatpants as I need to start wearing summer clothes.
But the problem is that i look absolutely horrible in summer clothes and I hate the way my body looks as it is NOT the way it should look! I hate how skinny my arms and legs are and how my chest bones stick out, it is gross and I can’t stand it!!
This hit me last week when the temperatures were really hot and I was wearing light sweatpants and a t-shirt and it sucked. I was sweating to death as I was wishing I could wear my summer clothes like everyone else. I also hate the fact that it is summertime and I can’t even go swimming or wear a bathing suit and feel comfortable in it without people looking at me like a freak.
That is why I went out shopping a few days ago and bought a super cute outfit that I can’t wait to wear once I get better! My motivation now is to be able to look happy, healthy, comfortable, and beautiful in my clothes! Every time that I struggle with ED thoughts or eating I just remind myself that each step I take in ignoring ED will just get me closer and closer to recovery and closer to being able to wear all my clothes!
Last night I tried on the dress with all of the accesories and showed my mom. Yeah I know you are probably thinking why I did that! Well I decided to show her because I felt this impulse all of a sudden as I was just so happy in myself that I WANT to 100% recover and be able to wear this outfit soon! When I think of how good my life will be after I recover I get in such a good mood and can’t wait to recover each day and become that much closer to beating ED. I know it may sound weird but it’s true for me!
I showed my mom the outfit and I told her how good I would look in this outfit with more weight on me and she began to smile and cry at the same time because she obvs loved the outfit but more importantly she was happy to hear that I finally realized how I need to gain weight not only to look normal in clothes but more importantly to be HEALTHY!
But like I said yesterday in my post I just keep taking it day by day and that is the only way to do it!
What motivates you these days?!