The fear of CHANGE

Hey hey hey! I am currently blogging from school and I just got back this afternoon.

I had a great break but I am also glad to be back at school. I can’t believe I only have ONE month left of school for the semester and then it’s summertime! Whooo.

So last Thursday as you know I met with my new therapist for the first time who I really enjoyed! We talked for the whole hour and I really felt like I could tell her everything and she totally understood exactly what I was talking about!

So anyways I mentioned to her that through middle school and into my high school years I suffered from OCD. Although I was not medically diagnosed with it I definitely had the signs and symptoms, there was no doubt. In those years I was very obsessed with doing things over, over, and over again. I would touch something a certain number of times until I was able to walk away from it. I always felt if I touched something wrong or changed somehing then something bad was going to happen. I was not good with change :/ It was VERY bad and it took up a lot of my time doing un-neccesary behaviors.

As I went through high school these obsessive behaviors faded away and I became not so obsessed. I was just so sick of doing them that I just stopped it! I no longer needed to do these obsessive behaviors or rituals anymore and It felt like such a relief once I finally stopped doing them.

Now doesn’t this OCD remind you of an ED?! Of course it does! I never even thought of it until my therapist mentioned it to me! I became so fed up with my OCD that I just stopped doing it and now as I am recovering in ED, why can’t I just do the same thing as I did with my OCD…just stop?! If I could stop doing these OCD behaviors then I should be able to stop my ED, right?!

So this past weekend I challenged myself not with food but with changing things in my life. I did this because I hate change and I always feel like something bad will happen and this connects to my ED! I feel if I eat food something bad will happen like I will become fat (which is NOT true). So I did some cleaning sround my room and threw away things I don’t need or want anymore in my room. At first I was hesitant in throwing them away because I feared something bad was going to happen. But alas, I just took the stuff and threw it out and took a deep breath. I was proud of myself for doing this and knowing that nothing bad will happen just because I threw something away and changed it!

Sorry for this whole long rant. You all probably think I am a majorrr head case but oh well! I just needed to express my thoughts and there is no better place than MY blog!
Onto my day… Breakfast was a yog mess with Yoplait greek yogurt, 1 cup Kashi Mighty Bites, sliced banana, and some PB & Co. DCD peanut butter with a glass of milk on the side.Love the beautiful natural sunlight! It really does make a difference in the pics.This morning I packed up all my stuff which took no time at all, relaxed a bit, and then had a snack. I had a package of Planter’s NUT-rition Heart Healthy Mix. My mom gave this to me in my Valentine’s basket but she bought the wrong one and never ended up returning. Since they were still in my cabinet I decided to give them a try. It was a mix of peanuts, almonds, pecans, pistachios, hazelnuts, and walnuts. I thought it was alright but I am not a big fan of pistachios. My fav mix is by far the South Beach Diet Mix with just almonds, cashews, and macadamia nuts.Before I headed back up to school I ate some lunch. I had chicken, american cheese, and apple slices on 12 Grain bread paninied, pretzels, the rest of the apple, and a glass of milk.

Ok so I thought this was so random but the other day on my Formspring someone asked why I always drink my milk out of a plastic cup instead of a glass cup because they said it really makes a difference! But to me, milk tastes the same in a plastic cup or glass!

Once I got back to school I un-packed, cleaned my room, changed my sheets, and CHANGED some stuff etc. ya know the typical stuff ya do when returning back from break.
Later on I went to dinner with the girls and the dining hall was a ghost town! There was legit no body in there and not even all of the lights were on. I think I have officially found my favorite meal at my college dining hall…Wheat pasta with Asparagus & Almonds topped with white chicken!! This was my second time having this meal and I absolutely love it. Although it is supposed to be farfalle pasta tonight it was rotini and also had onions in it to spice it up! On the side I had a piece of wheat bread with butter and a glass of milk.

Whew, that seemed like a long post! Congrats if ya read all of that. I am now off to watch the rest of the RED SOX game and catch up on some blogs ๐Ÿ™‚

What is/was your favorite meal in college?!

23 thoughts on “The fear of CHANGE

  1. jenna im so glad you mentioned that OCD thing. i have too and im soo embarrassed. if i throw out like certain things (pics, old journals) im afraid somethings gonna happen. i think i have OCD in all aspects, like ED, school, etc…..hmmmm well at least im not the only one. i was just wondering, are you on any meds?i luv ya girl! even tho ur a red sox fan lol. im a ny girl!katie anne

  2. I always eat out of paper plates.. there's no difference to me either! And doesn't paninis taste better than sandwiches?? Haha! At least to me it does!

  3. I always eat out of paper plates.. there's no difference to me either! And doesn't paninis taste better than sandwiches?? Haha! At least to me it does!

  4. I'm glad you got over your OCD… life is so much more fun when you're spontaneous! Are you a SOX fan!?! So am I!! And my favorite college meal would have to be the times i get to go to the chipotle on campus! Burrito bowls… mmmm

  5. Maybe you could also challenge your ED by changing up breakfast. Oatmeal, pancakes, etc… try something new! And what about having switching things up by having something different like a wrap for lunch with some added fat? Your brain NEEDS fat to recover!

  6. My favorite meal in college from the dining halls had to be "FAT DON'S" night. That was when a bbq restaurant would come, every wed and do a BIG cookout. There were grilled chicken, huge steaks, brats, burgers, etc. I always got a good piece of grilled chicken with bbq sauce, some salad and they had these HUGE cookies too. They were so good that they would only allow you to have one so there was enough for everyone. There was also an ice cream sundae bar so the thing to do was nuke the cookie until it's warm and soft and then make a sundae on top of it. I was happy with just a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot fudge on top. Wow, those were the days when I just ate whatever I wanted and somehow, I still didnt gain weight. Well I guess this was because it was once a week. Sorry, longest comment ever. Haha.

  7. It is amazing the feeling of doing something anti-OCD and ED? Even if it is hard in the moment? Have a good week ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Omg OCD and ED def go hand-in-hand and trust me girl I've been there, you're not alone!!On another note, I think my favorite meal our cook makes is salmon!

  9. I can identify with the OCD behaviour, which was actually one of the first things my therapist asked me about, if I had a history of that type of behaviour. I was a complete neat-freak and had a lot of rules about how things should be done. I also stopped this, but like you, kind of "translated" that onto food. New rules, new obsessive behaviour which I thought could give me some "safety" and "control".I am very glad for you now, because you have found a therapist who you click with ๐Ÿ™‚ I was just wondering about how many calories does your evening snack contain? Btw : That pasta looks really good, and way to go with butter on the bread- it tastes so much better that way!

  10. Daaa-aaamn I love this blog. So nice to see someone else attempting recovery while at uni – it's such a big, scary change and in many ways a perfect 'opportunity' for ED to creep in – we won't let that happen ๐Ÿ˜‰ โค Much love chica.

  11. That's interesting that you've associated the OCD behaviours with the ED behaviours.. it makes sense! It's great to see you are challenging yourself with that too.. change is very difficult. Best of luck to you ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Good for you throwing away some unnecessary stuff in you room! Definitely another step in the right direction! Also Im glad you like your new therapist, that is so so important. I like that change things in your life beyond food. Hope you have a nice day!!! โค

  13. Wow, you're doing so well! I'm really bad at throwing stuff away, always thinking I might like to read this or that magazine again and so on (sigh …).I also meant to comment yesterday already: It's such a success you were able to attend the brunch! I'm recovering from an ED, too, and I still can't eat out (especially not that early, evenings are a little easier). You're an inspiration for me!Oh, and that stupid formspring question: Maybe that person meant to criticise the use of plastic cups at home as they produce more waste? I'm not sure, this was just an idea since that "the taste is different"-statement is just ridiculous!

  14. Jenna, this is amazing post. It just illustrates how STRONG you are!! and how capable you are!! Never doubt that! ๐Ÿ™‚ My fave meal in college was this burger they did at UVM called the "Roadhouse" burger – it had this special sauce on it that was awesome – and I paired it with my new BFF the salad bar. It was amazing, and I miraculously lost 20 pounds my freshman year of college (way back in the day! :-P)

  15. Thank you for all of your comments on my post!I am glad others went through the same things I have ๐Ÿ™‚ It is nice to know I am not alone!jenna

  16. Your new therapist sounds great! She will hopefully give you some great tools to move further away from ED! I know you can do this! Try and move/change one little thing every day… i promise it will help. I am too afraid of change, I'm not in college yet so I was having a lot of anxiety about going away next year (HUGE CHANGE) but my therapist has been really helpful. I have some great books if you want anything that might help you further, ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. Hi Jenna- No you are not alone. I too suffer from OCD. I've had it from age nine. I still remember my first ritual. It has consumed my life, but I have learned to live with it. I am a "checker" I check and recheck over & over & over again. I also have many other rituals that I perform. It's such a horrible thing to have. I've tried really hard to get rid of my rituals, but when I do I just seem to pick up a new one. Can I ask how you just stopped? I would love to know how you did it. Thanks,Rachel

  18. my college has these delicious black bean and sweet potato quesadillas!!! i didnt think id like them because of the odd combination but they are WONDERFUL! i always look on the menu to see when they will have them so i can have their greatness. i even started making them when i come home.

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